The Start of that Journey for Me

I can’t help but feel like the cat that ate the canary, I feel as though I am constantly improving (with a few bumps that have to be expected). Meanwhile, there are those out there that are still suffering. Whether it is something old or something new, I want to help as much as I possibly can. The problem is that when I when I try to get my mind around that task, I find myself being held back by the process of learning to live my life on the positive side. I have spent so much time down there that I am not sure how to be up here. I think there is a natural urge to just take my good fortune and run with it even thought I know that no matter how far I go there is the possibility of ending up right back down. What I need to do is figure out who I am up here and figure out what I have to do to stay up here. Once I do that, I think I’ll be able to give back. This is the start of that journey for me.

goodbye and hello

your words burn
like white hot phosphorus
running down
my earn canals

my actions are
sinewy slithering snakes
you clutch
to your body
with the hope
that I won’t leave

you listen to me
like my words are blown
through a sieve
diffuse
without discernible
meaning

my cravings
split me

I cannot go
for I want your body
soft and warm
making love every
hour of the day

I must leave
to be free
for myself
to know I can be
one without two

goodbye and hello

– GB

a conversation of sorts

I shake my head
with great fury
trying to get
your voice
out of  it

no use,

so I raise my chin
and prepare
for whatever
is to come next

I cannot see any
action for all the
faith I have in you
but I still believe

we will come to a point
where what we say
is what we mean
and that will be
a tragedy
when we realize
how little there is
to say
when we finally
arrive at it

– GB

Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters

This tune stayed with me after watching “Almost Famous” for the billionth time. I always find it interesting which songs get caught in my conscience and which ones slide right off. With this movie it is usually a different Elton John song (“Tiny Dancer”) but not this time. Maybe it’s because I have heard it quite a lot over the past few months. Another song from the movie caught my attention too, but it’s so quiet and appears so quickly I need to do some research to see if I can figure it out. Until then, here’s:

“Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters”
by Elton John

And now I know
Spanish Harlem are not just pretty words to say
I thought I knew
But now I know that rose trees never grow in New York City

Until you’ve seen this trash can dream come true
You stand at the edge while people run you through
And I thank the Lord there’s people out there like you
I thank the Lord there’s people out there like you

While Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters
Sons of bankers, sons of lawyers
Turn around and say good morning to the night
For unless they see the sky
But they can’t and that is why
They know not if it’s dark outside or light

This Broadway’s got
It’s got a lot of songs to sing
If I knew the tunes I might join in
I’ll go my way alone
Grow my own, my own seeds shall be sown in New York City

Subway’s no way for a good man to go down
Rich man can ride and the hobo he can drown
And I thank the Lord for the people I have found
I thank the Lord for the people I have found

————————————————————————-
By the way, I did find that song. It’s “River” by Joni Mitchell and I wrote about it previously http://gavin8r.wordpress.com/2014/02/13/two-songs-today-pt-2-021314/

Untitled # 506

my shit chases me
sometimes
and I run so fast
trying to keep ahead
and you
and you
and you
and the cancer
and the BPD
you all keep finding ways
to catch me
to trip me up
to pull me down
when all I really want to do is
stop for a little while
and look at everything
and celebrate
where I have been
where I am
and how I got here

– GB

Inside Out

I heard this song when I first woke this morning. Though I’m not sure how, exactly, that was possible, since the house was completely silent when I put my feet on the floor. Maybe that was what allowed the song to seep into my awareness. Later in the day, I found the song on my computer and listened to it a few times, to sorta get my fill. Now that I’m writing about it I am listening to it again and it still holds the attraction I had for it the first time I ever heard it… and when it ran through my mind this morning. This is “Inside Out” by Sara Bareilles:

I’ve been winding
Down the same road for days
I’ve seen the coastline
Going both ways
Some days are perfect
And some simply could not get worse
Some days it’s all worth it
And some days this life is nothing but a curse

And I wonder who will break first

I am small
I feel like no more than nothing at all
But when I lose sight of daylight
And my darkness falls
I’ll be strong
And if not now it won’t be long
From when I lose sight of daylight
And my hands are weak
And my soul is tired
Oh, I’ll give my love from the inside out
From the inside out

Little spirit
Now don’t you desert me now
I know I don’t always hear it
You don’t always speak so loud
And I’m not willing
To simply lay down my soul for this
It may be all that I’m giving
But take my love for what it is

I am small
I feel like no more than nothing at all
But when I lose sight of daylight
And my darkness falls
I’ll be strong
And if not now it won’t be long
From when I lose sight of daylight
And my hands are weak and my soul is tired
Oh, I’ll give my love from the inside out

Take your best shot
Here I stand, heart in hand
And fearless I’m not
But I am what I am
And I know what I’m not
And I know enough to know it’s never
Gonna be much more than weather
You can’t drive me away
When it’s only rain
On the inside
It’s only rain
From the inside
It’s only rain
From the inside
It’s only rain
From the inside
From the inside out
I am small
From the inside out
I am small