I am failing

Shuddering in my skull
Stuttering of my tongue
Words break on the way out
I try to convey meaning
With my eyes instead

I am failing

I am falling
Down a shaft of pure
Embarrassment
When I hit bottom
All I can think is
Run

Straight into the sun
So I will burn up and
Not have to face this
Ringing in my brain
This realization that
I have not come as
Far as I had thought

I can not trust myself

– GB

This World, My World

I’ve been building this world
But there are holes in the roof
And the walls where things should be

I have this object sitting on the floor
Too heavy for me to lift
I have touched it so many times
When I walk by
That it has been worn smooth
It’s the wrong shape to fill that
Void now, I should just get rid of it

I have been cobbling together
This world where brilliant colors
Collide with black and white and
Explode into something I can not
Exactly explain, let alone comprehend

If I had a cat it would run itself ragged
Chasing the little birds that come to
Visit me at the holes in the roof and walls
I should complete this world and head
Them off at the pass, but I won’t

This world is a comfortable and
Relatively safe place for me to sit and
Enjoy the breeze through the roof and
The walls, I like to write and sing and
Read and sometimes cry here, I like
To let the breeze blow my tears dry

I should finish this world, with its
Unsightly chasms, it has been far
Too long, trying to fill in those holes
What on Earth have I been waiting for
Dragging it on for so long?

I’m afraid, such a powerful thing, fear is
I’m afraid, such a dangerous thing, fear is
The power and danger have combined
To render me static over so many years

What if I finish my world and I am left with
Nothing else to do?

What if all the hopes and dreams I have expected
from my world become blurry doubts and shadows?

What if I bring you into my world and you
Turn away?

So
I set on task, to fill in all the holes
To run those risks, to wait and see
What comes out the other side

Certainty is what we strive for
The unknown is what we live for

– GB

Please Tell Me

His vision faltered
He couldn’t see through
The tears in his eyes
He was on his knees
At a makeshift altar
Praying for the first
Time in his life

“Please tell me,
why did you take her
and leave me to carry
on this wretched life
I am left.  This was not
a just decision. I cast
you out of my life forever!!”

There he lay at the
Foot of his salvation
Eyes closed, hoping for
A vision to show him
Which path to take

Desperation is trying
His soul, all he wants
Is to be with her
There is no solution that
Will not hurt someone

– GB

The Cough

Tight chest wheezes and cracks
With the cough’s concussive force
Beating back and beating down
All resolve with each sharp explosion

Writhing with each small agony
4 a.m. is so far away
And passes with so far to go

Locked in a ferocious fetal ball
Cramped and immobile
Only thoughts move
What have I done to deserve this?

– GB

In My Absence

For the past 2 weeks I’ve been seriously engaged to an unhealthy case of bronchitis, not that there is really a healthy case of bronchitis, which has put my depressive side of Bipolar Disorder somewhat lower that it has been.  All I’ve done with any regularity is sleep, take meds and, well, cough.  I haven’t been writing much, I haven’t even been writing my usual 100 Words entries, march bit the dust half way through and I haven’t started on April yet.  It doesn’t look promising for that.

One thing I did manage to accomplish the completion of my yearmix 43 compilation CD.  Since age 30 I’ve been making a mix CD(s) based on songs that had some meaning to me during that year.  The songs are not necessarily new that year, they’re just songs from my life.  This year’s collection is as follows:

Superman(It’s Not Easy) – Five For Fighting
Almost Home – Mary Chapin Carpenter
Brian Wilson – Barenaked Ladies
If You Were A Stone – Ron Pope
Nightswimming – REM
Mrs. Potter’s Lullaby – Counting Crows
Stay – Sugarland
The Scientist – Coldplay
It’s Been A While – Incubus
Over My Head(Cable Car) – The Fray
When I Grow Up – Garbage
Power of Two – Indigo Girls
Who Says You Can’t Go Home (with Jennifer Nettles) – Bon Jovi
Rain Pours Down – emmet swimming
All Too Well – Taylor Swift

So the sickness didn’t put me at a total loss.
I saw my therapist for the first time in 3 weeks today.  It was a good, but somewhat short session, I guess I didn’t have a lot to talk about.  I also bought 3 books today:

“Veronica Decides to Die” by Paulo Coelho – I just finished reading “The Alchemist”
“The Bible, A Story of God and all of Us” by Roma Downey and Mark Burnett
“Proof of Life, A Neurosurgeon’s Journey into the Afterlife” by Eben Alexander, M.D.

I’ll place a solid bookmark in my “standby” book, a biography of Bruce Springsteen and get started on one of these.  It should be interesting, I’m stepping outside of my usual fare.  The last three books I read were:

“The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho
“Divergent” by Veronica Roth
“Madness: A Bipolar Life” by Marya Hornbacher

So, I need to get back to writing more.  I miss it.  It feels like there is something missing and I believe that is it.  I just need to think for a little while and let myself flow back into it.