Lightning

lightning peels back
my already shattered sky
I am still jolted
not ready for the crack
although I see it break
I tried to embrace it
become one with
if it would not become
one with me

out in the middle
of a field turning
around and around
making myself the
tallest thing for miles
making myself as
much of a target
as I can hope to be

I anticipate the blast
I am braced for the shock
of heartache, of melancholy,
of grief at your inability to
love me enough that I
must go diving into
driving thunderheads
just to find what I imagine
what my own life is
supposed to feel like

— GLB

obliterating light

10 plus 10
plus 10 plus
10 plus 10
plus 10 more
pages
filled with words
that twist and
wind and slide
across the sheet
hanging on to the
paper cutting
edge
until they slip
and fall into
up-turned ears

pulled, crackling
and hissing over
eardrums looking
for meaning and hope,
searching for the
gospel according to
someone

reams fly by and
you mouth every
word like you did
at every teenage
rock concert
and you wish that they
meant as much now
as they did then

those pages
those songs
the deafening whine
that reinforced your solitude
they are all right here
before you
coming into focus
spoken by no one
written into the
obliterating light

— GLB

Untitled #512

I carry a lot around
with me
more than I need to
a hell of a lot
more than I should

I want it all to be
right at the surface
where it can be accessed
without any
rummaging around
without the chance of
missing the moment

constantly ready for
something to happen
but
it rarely does
still
I carry my load around
with me
the weight of it
pulling me down
dulling my senses

until I could no more
jump at a chance
than I could
win a marathon

I sit and I
look at where I am
and I simply ask
why?

–GLB

red mist and ether

But the thing is…

I awoke from a conversation
I was having with myself
With no idea where it started
With no idea where it was going

A harsh tone of feeling
Breaks through
A coughing laugh
That came from somewhere
Back and to the left

I could not see where
You had come from
I just knew
I should be there
Either in your presence
Or your absence

Knowing you will be back
Knowing I will see you soon

A jerking journey
Through red mist and ether
Moistens my flesh
It will be dry by morning

Where I will wake with a start
Throat and face bone dry
And my greatest trip
Begins again
Breaking up a conversation
I was having with myself

— GLB

OK

I’ve forgotten what you look like
But every once in a while
I’ll catch a glimpse of your eyes
In a passing reflection
Your lips, your nose
All things I can trace back to you
I just can’t put them together
I can’t make them be you
Then I panic, I panic, I panic

I take a deep breath
Choke back tears and hold
The sobs down in my throat
Where I am wracked by the
Realization that I will never
See you again…and that….
Is going to have to be OK

— GLB

March 17th

For the past few weeks I have trying to find a “flavor” of Linux to load onto the netbook that hasn’t seen use in over two years. I needed something light and stable that will run on next to no resources so I can take that to school instead of the 7.5 pound workstation of a laptop. I must have gone through 10 different versions, loading some of them numerous times. Well, yesterday was the big day. I took it to school instead of the big one and it worked out alright. It’s not as capable as the other one. It’s graphics performance leaves a lot to be desired and the screen is so small. Still, I have what I was looking for. Something I can do e-mail on, do light web-surfing, maybe a little writing or a little homework. Well this is it… and it didn’t cost me a thing, except some time and frustration.

The past few weeks have been tough on me. In addition to messing with the netbook and trying to get through school, I’ve been dealing with some other things that I’d rather not bring up now because they’d make this post a lot longer than it already is. OK, let me just say that I’ve been thinking a lot about my own mortality. Maybe I’ve been thinking about it too much, maybe it has just gotten me so distracted that I haven’t been able to do the things I need to be doing. Then there was yesterday (March 17th) which is the day I was cancer free. 12 years ago. I’m not going to start talking about what’s right and what’s wrong. I could whittle that branch down until there was nothing and this year I’m going to ignore all the other things that went on that day.

It was a beautiful day, the sky was clear, the sun shone down on my face and for a few moments everything was perfect. I sincerely hope you get to have a few moments like that sometime soon.

— GLB