red mist and ether

But the thing is…

I awoke from a conversation
I was having with myself
With no idea where it started
With no idea where it was going

A harsh tone of feeling
Breaks through
A coughing laugh
That came from somewhere
Back and to the left

I could not see where
You had come from
I just knew
I should be there
Either in your presence
Or your absence

Knowing you will be back
Knowing I will see you soon

A jerking journey
Through red mist and ether
Moistens my flesh
It will be dry by morning

Where I will wake with a start
Throat and face bone dry
And my greatest trip
Begins again
Breaking up a conversation
I was having with myself



I’ve forgotten what you look like
But every once in a while
I’ll catch a glimpse of your eyes
In a passing reflection
Your lips, your nose
All things I can trace back to you
I just can’t put them together
I can’t make them be you
Then I panic, I panic, I panic

I take a deep breath
Choke back tears and hold
The sobs down in my throat
Where I am wracked by the
Realization that I will never
See you again…and that….
Is going to have to be OK


March 17th

For the past few weeks I have trying to find a “flavor” of Linux to load onto the netbook that hasn’t seen use in over two years. I needed something light and stable that will run on next to no resources so I can take that to school instead of the 7.5 pound workstation of a laptop. I must have gone through 10 different versions, loading some of them numerous times. Well, yesterday was the big day. I took it to school instead of the big one and it worked out alright. It’s not as capable as the other one. It’s graphics performance leaves a lot to be desired and the screen is so small. Still, I have what I was looking for. Something I can do e-mail on, do light web-surfing, maybe a little writing or a little homework. Well this is it… and it didn’t cost me a thing, except some time and frustration.

The past few weeks have been tough on me. In addition to messing with the netbook and trying to get through school, I’ve been dealing with some other things that I’d rather not bring up now because they’d make this post a lot longer than it already is. OK, let me just say that I’ve been thinking a lot about my own mortality. Maybe I’ve been thinking about it too much, maybe it has just gotten me so distracted that I haven’t been able to do the things I need to be doing. Then there was yesterday (March 17th) which is the day I was cancer free. 12 years ago. I’m not going to start talking about what’s right and what’s wrong. I could whittle that branch down until there was nothing and this year I’m going to ignore all the other things that went on that day.

It was a beautiful day, the sky was clear, the sun shone down on my face and for a few moments everything was perfect. I sincerely hope you get to have a few moments like that sometime soon.


more! more! more!

ice blue roses bloom,
unnaturally hued,
in your presence

I cannot help
but fall to
my knees

to worship,
how nature
goes awry
when you
are near

green and hard
my heart
devolves, envious
and longing
to be the one
and only

breaking my fist
on the ceiling
of my longing,
there is
nothing to do
with my shattered
fingers now,
except mark
my tears as
a response
to the pain in
my hand
and not the one
in my poor,
poor soul

I cringe and
shudder when
you pull the
blinds on the
only world I know,
now I only see
you in shadow

when the sun
finally rises to
fill the void you
have left for me,
I find myself
unable to call out
to you, muted,
my voice echoes
through the……

more! more! more!
is all I ask of you,
help me keep up
my end of
the promise to
love you, even
though you cannot
seem to find a way
to keep yours


Untitled #511

my hands cupping
your tear drenched face,
you will not let loose
of the bright blue balloon
filled with platitudes,
you have always been
the bearer of passion,
and hate,
cruel daylight
the mirror opposite
of mesmerizing night

shock resonating through
my head when I learn
I am never going to
see you again,
deep sorrow exploding
through my heart
because I know why,
I know your excuse
is me



I am screaming at you
in whispers,
for all my
throat clenching
and teeth gnashing
you get
feathers bouncing
on bubbles,
and I do not know
how to get my
point across
without encountering
a smile and a wink,
I sit at the kitchen
table with my head
hung low over a too
cold cup of coffee,
our histories
repeat themselves
with the roles reversed,
there is an incredible
rage in me
flowing in the
wrong direction,
you are the object
of my ire
but you are not
the subject,
I have your love
not your respect

!! WAIT !!

there is nothing
in any of these words
that make any sense
out of what we have
been through together,
only fear that races
through my heart
wanting to see how
perfect we could
have been together,
if only
you would change,
if only
I could change,