As I Lie Here

As I lie here
Not sleeping,
I am imagining the life
Going out of your eyes

I can not be sure
When it happened,
But I know that it did

I haven’t thought
About it for years, love
For some reason
I am haunted…

YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!
How dare you
Come back now
And force me to feel something?

You were gone!
You are gone!
Yet you float through
My mind!

I hate you, my love!
I refuse to let you
Make me hate myself!

We were nothing alike,
And that pulled me too close!

You gave up on yourself,
I won’t give up on me.

— GB

Open Yourself

Open yourself up to me,
Let me crawl inside,
That soft safe center,
I know exists under
The hard harsh shell.

Let me touch you
And hold you
And make you feel safe.
Let me feel you shelter
Me in return.

I need to wake up
With you and
Find that this has
All been a dream.
Instead of the nightmare
I have been living.

Out here,
Nothing is still and silent.
There are no lullabies,
Only nails on chalk boards
Escaping my throat
In the night.

I want to feel
You protecting me,
Holding me back
From the edge.

— GB

Ask Me How I Am

Ask me how I am
Look at my face
Stare into my eyes
Put your lips on mine
Feel desire pulsing

Ask me how I am
Slip under the covers
Wrap your arms
Around my chest
Put your palm over my heart
Notice how quickly it beats
At your touch

Ask me how I am
Trace your finger
Over my scar
Feel the soft new skin
Find out how close
The bone is to the surface

Ask me how I am
Wipe the tear from my cheek
When I realize
You aren’t real

Ask me how I am

— GB

You

Can I get an answer from you
At some point?
Can you tell me what it is going to take
To be where you are?

That is where I really want to be
I always want to be where you are

That is where the
Light and the warmth are
That is where the energy
Of the universe
Radiates from

You are the center of all things
The answer to all questions
You are the meaning I have
Been searching for
In the quiet corners
Of my mind

You are the breathing in
You are the breathing out

— GB

Into Nothingness

The problem with running from pain is that when you find yourself in a corner with no where else to go and you have to finally face it, it’s too big for you to bear. This thing with a billion heads and a billion times a billion razor sharp teeth is holding you in the palm of its hand. Its fetid breath is hot on your face and burning your eyes. You look, you have to, there is no way you can get away. You open your throat to the beast and offer it your life. It doesn’t want that.
Pain just wants a part of you, the only part that you can’t afford to give, the part that you hold close and let no one else touch. It wants your fear, it wants you to offer it up so it can be sated. It will not stop until it gets it. So it beats on you, rolling over and over and over until it breaks you down and pulls every little bit of your fear to the surface. Then it opens the doors and the windows and exposes every little bit of it to the world. You are naked.
In your nakedness, you reveal all of your fears. The thing laughs at you because it has forced you to a place where you could never have gone. There is no peace in finally getting there, only hatred of the thing. You fight it, punching and kicking until you are bloodied and broken by your hate for it. Nothing works, nothing will make it go away. It grips you and twists you and laughs its stinking laugh. So you breathe it in and cough on the stench and taste the foul bile that boils in your throat. Close your eyes.

When you open your eyes, there’s a pill on your tongue and you are whimpering under your breath hoping that it will make the thing disappear. So, after a while, after letting it settle in, you meet your bliss, or what passes for it in the tiny little world that comes from inside the pill. It can’t get to you now, you are impervious to its advances, to its claws, to its maddening breath. The fire from its eyes can no longer burn you, the hatred that you feel for it fades away. You slide every so slowly into nothingness.

— GB

Bed, Sleep, Slumber, Reality

To my bed
To my sleep
To my slumber
That eludes me

My frustration
Has returned
And grows
With every minute
I toss or turn
Or read to hopefully
Bring it on

The sheep
Have been corralled
And no longer
Make house calls

I have turned to
Other help

Night, after
Night, after
Night, after
Night

While the sleep
Comes in fits
The rest
Never arrives

I awake to the
Mind-splitting
Glare
That creeps through
The curtains

Here’s where my
Desperation
Really shows
Where the chinks
Start to rust
And chip away

I expose my reality
To the world

— GB