I am feeling kind of little in this big old world. I am feeling somewhat insignificant, very used and old. When I run into the me that cannot be controlled, I try to get as far away from him as I possibly can. It makes the problem even worse, because I barely know that me. My memories of him are small. Most of the tales I tell of that time are from third party accounts. I am still trying to understand what I did during my psychotic break and the times leading up to it. My biggest question is “How did I not know this was happening?”
I think that I am at a pretty level place right now (a few hypo-manic episodes aside). I have been in this place for at least six months. Before I got here I suffered a six month depression. I know what I did during that time. It was not a confusing time for me. I sat in my room for hours on end, showered infrequently, it took a lot of prodding to get me to leave the house. It was a dark time for me that made me wonder how I was going to get myself out of it.
One of the reasons I am level right now is that I started this blog “Going Sideways” and have been able to write away the a lot of feelings that would have otherwise gone unchecked. Positive or negative, they have an affect on me. In addition to being a psychological outlet I have also “met” a lot of fascinating and amazing people. Please check out my blogroll (I Follow…), over there on the right hand side.