Little in This World

I am feeling kind of little in this big old world.  I am feeling somewhat insignificant, very used and old.  When I run into the me that cannot be controlled, I try to get as far away from him as I possibly can.  It makes the problem even worse, because I barely know that me.  My memories of him are small.  Most of the tales I tell of that time are from third party accounts.  I am still trying to understand what I did during my psychotic break and the times leading up to it.  My biggest question is “How did I not know this was happening?”

I think that I am at a pretty level place right now (a few hypo-manic episodes aside). I have been in this place for at least six months.  Before I got here I suffered a six month depression.  I know what I did during that time.  It was not a confusing time for me.  I sat in my room for hours on end, showered infrequently, it took a lot of prodding to get me to leave the house.  It was a dark time for me that made me wonder how I was going to get myself out of it.

One of the reasons I am level right now is that I started this blog “Going Sideways” and have been able to write away the a lot of  feelings that would have otherwise gone unchecked.  Positive or negative, they have an affect on me.  In addition to being a psychological outlet I have also “met” a lot of fascinating and amazing people.  Please check out my blogroll (I Follow…), over there on the right hand side.

3 thoughts on “Little in This World

  1. Aaaah … my heart aches for you, but I am so happy that writing your blog helps.
    BTW I am really loving the Mandelbrot set background! Awesome. Good old z[n+1] = z[n]^2 + c. How I love your simple yet complex beauty!

  2. i can relate to this so much. i just started this blog about a month ago and already i’ve found it really helps to let everything out. kinda odd how that works. if only i had been doing this 4 years ago when i was first diagnosed with bipolar.

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