Sometimes it doesn’t matter when something is written, just that it is written. This was written about 10 years ago and it still holds the same meaning.
So here I am making some “breakthroughs”….. I think. Here’s the gist of what I am working through right now. Quite frankly, I am somewhat thrashed. I had been thinking that I was trailing Em in how I was dealing with the world. I had been looking to her for guidance and inspiration. I am beginning to think that is not the case at all. As a matter of fact I am pretty sure that she is actually where I was about 10 years ago. Moving through my life, holding everyone at arm’s length, not allowing myself to show anyone how I really felt about them. I believed that if I let someone in I would risk exposing myself to the same ridicule and abuse quietly thrust upon me in comments muttered under breaths and quick derisive glances. All of this because I didn’t speak up, I kept my mouth shut. My silence allowed people to think what they wanted to about me and I was powerless to refute anything. Nancy changed the silence, I was trying something new, then she muted me again, all in the course of a year. I have been trying to get past that for a long time, pounding myself into pieces and separating the shards into neat little boxes to survive day after day after day. The struggle to work up the courage to unify all those fragments has proven to be harder than I imagined. The reason I am thrashed right now is that I am worried that Em is going to have the same painful road or worse, to get to where she needs to be, to be happy and comfortable with herself and her life. And I hate to see her in pain. Now I am exhausted and craving some dreamless slumber to recharge my batteries and prepare me for another long day. I hope we all find a way.