Re-Rendered Rant #1

OK so maybe
i am taking everything the wrong wrong way and
i need to go into my cave and just be for a while
instead of continuing to rail on like a ranting lunatic
about how I think that everything that is happening in my life
at the moment is just the very very wrong thing
to be happening
from the people that don’t understand me
to the people that don’t want me
to the people that don’t even see me

even the people that are there and present
that take what i freely give
because i know they need it more that i do
i know that they will give it back 10 times 10 times

right now i am just angry at everything
i am allowed to be that way
why can’t i be that way
who am i going to disappoint
besides myself

i am not following everything
i have been studying for the past few months
this is not the path
the way to enlightenment
because i can see the suffering
but i can’t give it up right now
because my own suffering
is my own drama
which i choose to express
rather than bottle up
and put it off in a little corner
with all my other shit
until at some point it decides
that it doesn’t want to be in that corner anymore
and it explodes

why the fuck does sex
change everything
what difference does it make
between us if we’re sitting
across the table from each other
in a crowded restaurant or
pressed up against each other on the subway or
standing on line at the bank or
laying next to each other after
quenching a natural carnal desire
what is the fucking difference
between taking me between your legs and
hearing about my deepest fears
which one of those is more intimate
which one of those can hurt me more if used incorrectly
which one takes more trust
which one after all is said and done is
going to be more meaningful

so fuck that
i think that my closer relationships are
more important to me
more intimate to me

but why can’t i have both
it would be so great to have that
all in one person instead of putting
everything into all these nice little compartments
where everything is separate from
everything else

i mean it makes no difference if my food touches
why can’t the other parts of my life touch as well
that would be so nice
a fucking crowning achievement
so now i am exhausted or
at least i have exhausted my rant
for the time being

but there will be more
i am not done with this
i deserve to find someone to love
that will love me in return
in the way that both of us want and need

— GB

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