As I analyze the events leading up to the break, I come to understand, more and more, why my big implosion pushed so many people away.  There was a lot of lying going on, mostly by me.  I was having a manic episode that lasted quite some time.  I alienated a lot of people that used to be my friends.  I was doing what I thought I needed to do to stay afloat.  Everything I was doing was lighting little fuses which would inevitably combine into one gigantic one.  Then there was the break and I imploded on myself, the manic episode turned into a Psychotic Break.  Everyone else saw that they had something in common, my lies, and started comparing notes.  When they did that they discovered that I was different to everyone, that no one knew who I really was.  That was when they all moved away.  It was my doing.  It was my disease’s doing.  I really had no control over it.  I’m not using this as an excuse, I’m simply stating a fact.  This disease I have, Bipolar Disorder (BPD), played a large role in the loss of friends and career.  Any forgiveness I ask for or give, in that part of my life, must be seen in that light.  But, I am ultimately responsible for my actions.


One thought on “Implosion

  1. Pingback: Forgive All | Going Sideways

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