I’m Freaking Me Out Man

I was looking for some apps for my new phone and I discovered one for EverNote and remembered that I had used that program some time ago.  So I installed it on my phone.  It went through the various account verification routines; when I finally figured out my username and password it connected to its home servers and sync’d my “notes”.  What I found there were some journal like entries from the summer I had the psychotic break.  From these entries I can tell when I opened my EverNote account.  The first entry is “been having some problems” which is very telling, because it was some time in the next 24-48 hours that everything went awry.

 Then there is nothing for about 2 weeks.  The next entries I see are from a time that I had thought were somewhat stable (relative to what I had just been through).  This is from a day, I’m told, my parents and I went to the laundromat and then some:
“Now that I think about it some more, I mean REALLY REALLY think about, are there, have there been any real moments recently? Would I know it if it happened? How do I define it or recognize it?”
Apparently there was some kind on clarity for a few minutes.
And then there’s this from later that day from a note titled “A Day Out Part 2”
“I don’t know if there is going to be a part one, it was laundry turned into a ride out to Sonic because the battery was low and wouldn’t start the car……now, for the same reason we’re off to dr G’s for the all important psych consult but dad is paranoid thay the car won’t start again so I’m left sitting in the parking lot, sitting with the car running, while they’re inside 
doing their shopping. 20 minutes to the appt and it takes about 10 to get there from here.

I’m confused right now, I am not sure what about the past few months has been true and what has been made up. There aren’t any records of my gastric issues and before last monday, there aren’t any regular records of my delusions/hallucinations.

If there aren’t any records of the tumor, surgery, etc…what happened at those times? Where was I? Were those delusions as well? What the hell is going on inside my head? This has been going on for a lot longer than just the past month, have I just been lying about it all? Or has it happened in my head just not to my body. How do you start to make that kind of thing up? 

OK, wait, how many people do I have to survey to make sure this is really happening right now? How do I know the dude in the car next to me is blasting Nirvana?”

So, I have sufficiently freaked myself out.  What a nice Thanksgiving Eve this turned out to be.


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