Big Break

Big Break, for someone in Hollywood, say, an actor, it means something completely different than what it means to me.  For both of us, it will be a life-altering event.  For the actor, the change he experiences may or may not be permanent.  For me, the change is constant.  Nothing is ever the same.  It’s like I’m living on the edge of a kaleidoscope that is attached to the International Space Station traveling 17,00m mph.  At least that is the way it felt most of the time while I was having my Big Break (psychotic break, psychotic episode, mental breakdown, gone bat-shit crazy).  Part of the time, though, I felt like I was moving at a snail’s pace. That feeling only applied to me, everything else was moving at normal, if not accelerated pace.  This was the case with the little men trying to get into my apartment.  They were climbing through windows, coming up my porch downspout and pushing open my front door faster than I could sweep them out.  Because I was moving so slow, they were moving even faster. I couldn’t even get my pistol and shotgun out fast enough to get them all out.  Luckily, the guns were kept locked up and the little men, somehow disappeared.

That amounts to the sum total of what I can remember of my Big Break.  The slow parts continue to this day.  They have gotten better.  I don’t usually feel as though I am completely slowed down.  Not physically anyway.  Though it does frequently happen to me mentally.  I notice it most often when I am writing or speaking.  A thought or idea will enter my mind and it will feel as though it is wading through mud.  It will take an eternity for me to find the right word or words to express the idea.  This is frustrating when I’m writing but when I’m having a conversation with someone it can be very embarrassing.  I’ve been working on the problem for over a year now and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better.  It looks like the sticky mind is here to stay.  If I were in Hollywood and the result of my Big Break was something like this, I’d probably be heading back to my home town in search of other opportunities.  I’m not, so I have no choice but to keep working at it.

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2 thoughts on “Big Break

  1. I know the “slow” feeling all too well. I’ve been going crazy trying to make that go away. I’ve talked to my doctor about it, and she doesn’t seem to ever think any problems I’m having have to do with my medication. It’s frustrating. But she did say, I may need to get a physical soon to have my blood work checked. Something like vitamin D might be low and that could be causing the “slowness.” Whatever it is…it’s maddening. And it is embarrassing when I’m trying to talk to someone and I can’t find the right words. I feel like people are looking at me like I’m crazy. That or they feel sorry for me. I don’t know.

  2. I also have trouble staying awake in the afternoon. I go to be late and I wake up late, it’s a pretty regular schedule. I usually get 9-10 hours of solid sleep (thanks to my psych meds) so I should be well rested. If I try to read or do some writing on the computer, it’s hard to stay awake. I’m getting drowsy now. My head is bobbing…. I need to figure out what the cause of this is too.

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