In My Mind

I take things out on you in my mind
You don’t deserve it, but I do it anyway
It’s the only space big enough to
Get out what I need to
At the same time keeping my rage
and sorrow and anger and sadness
and disappointment out of sight
Away from the prying eyes of the world
Keeping you close to me where you
Should have been

— GB

You Are Gone From Me

I hold my head in my hands
I have been crying for so long
I can’t cry anymore
Everything is dry
I can’t even shout out my
Anger and my sorrow
I came running to where I
Thought you would be
But the bed was empty
You were gone from me
Faster than I expected
I had left you sooner
Than I should have

Now, I will never look
Into those wonderful
Blue eyes of yours
Nor hold you hand to
My lips and feel the
Life coursing through it

I will never kiss your lips
Or say “I Love You”
Ever again

You are gone from me

— GB

Amateur Philosophy # 2

I find great anger
within myself,
what am I to
do?

my anger
is of things
that occurred
in the past

I cannot do
anything about
the past
I shall release
the energy
I was spending
on that anger

my anger is
fear of things
that may occur
in the future

my life is
happening now
anger is self-indulgent
it feeds on
itself, I can
release my anger
now and my fear
can be released
as well

— GB

Blaming Others for Bipolar Disorder

I found this great article over on BipolarBurble:

It’s very natural to be angry when something egregiously bad – like getting bipolar disorder – happens to you. It’s not necessarily rational, per se, but it is normal. And when we’re mad about something we look for someone or something to blame. We look for someone to blame for our bipolar disorder. Again, this isn’t a rational, or even conscious thing, it’s really just a natural reaction to an extremely unfortunate situation, but it really isn’t healthy.

via Blaming Others for Bipolar Disorder.

As I Lie Here

As I lie here
Not sleeping,
I am imagining the life
Going out of your eyes

I can not be sure
When it happened,
But I know that it did

I haven’t thought
About it for years, love
For some reason
I am haunted…

YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!
How dare you
Come back now
And force me to feel something?

You were gone!
You are gone!
Yet you float through
My mind!

I hate you, my love!
I refuse to let you
Make me hate myself!

We were nothing alike,
And that pulled me too close!

You gave up on yourself,
I won’t give up on me.

— GB

Where Do I Go From Here?

I just finished up my 100Words entry for tonight/tomorrow and I’m finding myself in a big funk.  I’m not sure what to do about it other than write it out, no matter how long or short it might be.  This isn’t really a new subject for me I’m just looking at it from a different point of view.  The main premise that gets me all worked up is that I totally fucked up my life when I suffered the psychotic-break four years ago.  I was living in San Diego.  My career was rapidly growing (I went from a “Systems Engineer” in 2005 to a “Senior Systems Engineer Manager” in 2009).  My company was also paying for me to get a MBA from The George Washington University.  I had good friends. My life couldn’t get much better.  Then, I had the psychotic-break and everything went away.

Today I posted a short “article” about talking to your doctor. After I posted it I read it through a few more times until I realized that if I had talked to my doctor, the way I emphasize in that article, I might not be here writing this.  If I had been diagnosed Bipolar ten years ago then I could have been getting help for it ten years ago.  Which means that the psychotic-break might not have happened.  Which means that my career would be intact and I would have a MBA.  I would still have my friends and it is likely that I would still be living in San Diego………

My biggest questions right now are:

How do I reconcile this within myself?
How do I keep from continually beating myself up for this?
Where do I go from here?