Getting Strong

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~Mahatma Ghandi

A subject I have beaten to death for a while now.  Forgiveness is not something I have completely gotten my mind around yet.  I completely understand the concept and I can see the path I must follow.  For some reason i just can’t get my feet headed in the right direction.  Maybe the missing piece in my predicament is convincing myself that I am strong enough to get myself to where I need to be.  Apparently, I have been going about it all wrong.  I feel like I’ve been taking the minority, victim role.  I need to figure out how to get out of the viscous cycle I keep finding myself in.  How do I stop feeling weak and vulnerable?  How do I make myself act and believe that I am not a victim, that I am, in fact, strong?  Of everything I have been through, this is right up near the top of challenges I have had to face.  I’m not sure how I’m going to do it but I’m going to do it.  Wish me luck…..if you’re reading this, you’re a part of it.

What To Do Now — Talking Myself Down

I’ve been doing some reading about forgiveness, letting go, being happy, plus more in that vein, for some time now.  I had thought that I was getting something out of it, that I was beginning to understand what I needed to do, what I needed to say, how I needed to behave, to get to where I needed to be.  While writing my previous post, it was obvious to me that I hadn’t been following the advice I had read, more precisely, I was just ignoring it.  One very good website that I read frequently is “Marc and Angel Hack Life”.  I find that one article I read recently is applicable to what’s been going on with me.

In “5 Unique Ways to Forgive and Let Go”, like the title says, the author talks about 5 ways.  I found #3 very valuable.  “Love” says:

“Feeling sorry for yourself and sabotaging the present moment with resentful thoughts of the past won’t make anything better.  Hurting someone else will never ease your own inner angst.

If you’re disappointed with yourself or frustrated with someone else, the answer is not to take it out on the world around you.  Retribution, whether it’s focused on yourself or others, brings zero value into your life.

The way beyond the pain from the past is not with vengeance, mockery, bullying or retaliation, but with present love.

Forgive the past, forgive yourself, forgive others, and love the present moment for what it’s worth.  There are plenty of beautiful things to love right now; you just have to want to see them.  Loving is never easy, especially when times are tough, yet it is easily the most powerful and positively enduring action possible.

If you’re feeling pain, don’t take action that creates even more pain.  Don’t try to cover darkness with darkness.  Find the light.  Act out of love.  Do something that will enable you to move forward toward a more fulfilling reality.  There is always something good you can do.  There is always love to give.  Fill your heart with it and act in everyone’s best interest, especially your own.”

I think I’m going to spend some time reading some more from this site and others.  I’ll keep posting here with how things are going.  If anyone has any web sites they find helpful and are willing to share please put them in the comments section.  Thanks

What To Do Now

I lied about some things while I was having a manic episode which turned into a psychotic break.  Those lies pushed people out of my life.  People that I cared a great deal for.  There is noting I can do now that would bring them back.  I have to be sounding like a broken record now.  I’ve already talked about this, I should have gotten this behind me.  I should have moved on with my life.  They have moved on with theirs.  Without so much as a “goodbye” or “hope you get better”, not even “I never want to see or talk to you again”.  That would have hurt, but not as much as this has.  For the past month I have been going around and around, struggling with how to gain closure, how to give forgiveness…to them as well as to myself.  And I can see that I am not any closer now than I was then.  What do I have to do to get myself out of this ridiculous cycle I’m in?  What can I do to at least forgive myself.  I feel like, if I can do that, the other things will come sooner or later.  At least I won’t be beating myself up about it.  I know I have written, on numerous occasions, entries in this Blog that talk about how to do this (in one way or another).  Despite that I keep falling, I am failing to take my own advice, my own lesson, and put it to use.  I’m not sure what to do now.

Maybe Later

I took some cold medicine this afternoon and I slept for about four or five hours.  For the last hour or so I was hearing a song.  When I woke up, I started trying to figure out why this song? Why now?  I think it has something to do with the forgiveness issues I’ve been dealing with.  Maybe it’s the whole song, maybe it’s just the chorus.  I’m not sure yet.  Don’t mean to be so wishy-washy but it’s a subject that is very important to me.  Here’s:

“Maybe Later”
by Lowen & Navarro

It doesn’t hurt me any less
When I think “we did our best”
Cos though the wounds will heal
The scars won’t go away
I guess the truth will sink in slowly
But I don’t want to hear it right now

Maybe later I’ll believe
We were never meant to be
Maybe later we’ll say
It’s all for the better
And if I ever see you again
I just might be stronger by then
But God I don’t know when
Maybe later

All of the points I tried to make
Turned out to be my worst mistakes
Still keeping score
Even when the game was over
And I suppose someday I’ll learn
But I don’t want to do it right now

Maybe later I’ll believe
We were never meant to be
Maybe later we’ll say
It’s all for the better
And if I ever see you again
I just might be stronger by then
But God I don’t know when
Maybe later

Forgive All

As I have said earlier in my posts Implosion and Forgiveness, there are a number of people that I wronged during a tumultuous time in my life.  I incorrectly blamed some of them for turning their backs on me when I was in most need of their friendship and support.  I still feel that the way things were handled could have been better on both sides of the situation.  I think that forgiveness should be given and received all the way around.  Since I am no longer in contact with anyone from that time in my life, I feel that it is appropriate that I forgive for all involved.

I want to be big and let go
Of this grudge that’s grown old
For the life of me I’ve not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us

From “This Grudge”
by Alanis Morissette

Implosion

As I analyze the events leading up to the break, I come to understand, more and more, why my big implosion pushed so many people away.  There was a lot of lying going on, mostly by me.  I was having a manic episode that lasted quite some time.  I alienated a lot of people that used to be my friends.  I was doing what I thought I needed to do to stay afloat.  Everything I was doing was lighting little fuses which would inevitably combine into one gigantic one.  Then there was the break and I imploded on myself, the manic episode turned into a Psychotic Break.  Everyone else saw that they had something in common, my lies, and started comparing notes.  When they did that they discovered that I was different to everyone, that no one knew who I really was.  That was when they all moved away.  It was my doing.  It was my disease’s doing.  I really had no control over it.  I’m not using this as an excuse, I’m simply stating a fact.  This disease I have, Bipolar Disorder (BPD), played a large role in the loss of friends and career.  Any forgiveness I ask for or give, in that part of my life, must be seen in that light.  But, I am ultimately responsible for my actions.