Ways I See Myself

Ways I see myself:

1. I’m a guy with Bipolar Disorder II.  I’m fairly run-of-the-mill, I have downs more than ups.  I have several hypo-manic episodes  a year, but those are usually pretty mild.  I’m just doing what I need to do to get by.  I get enough sleep, I take my medications, I go to a NAMI Peer Support group every week, I see my therapist every other week and my psychiatrist every 3 months.  I write a blog where I publish poetry and articles about Bipolar Disorder and Mental Health from my point of view.  I guess you could say that I’m on maintenance.

2. I’m a guy who lives in the past.  It’s been two and a half years since I had a psychotic episode.  It’s been one and a half years since my last ECT treatment.  I am trying to piece together my life between 2005 and 2009 because it is largely a blur to me.  I would like to know what caused my big psychotic break.  I have a suspicion that a large part of my life between 2007 and 2009 was lived in a manic state.  Most of my writing is about things that happened in the past.

3.  Again, I’m a guy with Bipolar Disorder II.  That in itself makes life harder for me to live than other people.  I fear the stigma that goes along with it, enough to keep me from doing much besides going to my doctor appointments, seeing my therapist, writing a blog, dinner, movies, shopping, all things that either center around Bipolar or don’t have anything to do with Bipolar.  I shy away from social situations.  Because of the ECT and some of the medication, I don’t always speak well, I have problems finishing sentences, I have tremor in my hands and legs.  I feel I am awkward both physically and mentally.  I am unsure about my future life.

I do know this:  Post 800

Moscow

As grand as you thought it was
Is as grand as it is
Everything is larger than life
To prove how mighty the Russians are
Take your breath away at every turn
Spires kiss the sky above dark bricks
Dubbed beautiful where Lenin slumbers
New brides and grooms pay respects
At the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier
At the GUM the latest fashions are
On display, this is a place of new
As well as old, the whole city is
A study of the future intersecting
With the world of the past

— GB

Amateur Philosophy # 2

I find great anger
within myself,
what am I to
do?

my anger
is of things
that occurred
in the past

I cannot do
anything about
the past
I shall release
the energy
I was spending
on that anger

my anger is
fear of things
that may occur
in the future

my life is
happening now
anger is self-indulgent
it feeds on
itself, I can
release my anger
now and my fear
can be released
as well

— GB