Did it really happen

I know, or at least I’m pretty sure it all happened…
But everything seems like ghosts to me now
It’s a strange thing,  memory,
There is no rhyme or reason
Why this memory exists,
But this one is gone

That’s what I mean in saying that I’m only
Pretty sure things happened
I remember certain events,
But not in a particular order

It’s as if the connective tissue has been removed
Everything is just piled together like a stack of pancakes
You can move them around but
There really is no way to make it all make sense,
No matter how much butter and syrup you put on them

Sometimes I have a recollection
That seems like it’s real and
I just sit and wonder how to tell if it is true
Or just a wraith of a recollection,
How did it rise to my attention,
Is it something I can believe,
Or is it just a trick being perpetrated by my mind

I could resort to questioning others,
I could resort to making myself seem incompetent,
I could resort to making myself feel awkward and embarrassed,
But, rather than put myself through all of that…
I resort to just sitting quietly
and trying to put all the pieces together myself

Most of the time I am left wanting for answers
and then I am back to the beginning

It is all part of a circular discussion
That I am constantly having with myself,
In search of the linear, logical, truth I know exists

— GB

The Light From Your Eyes

I don’t want to ever forget
You
Your face in my hands as
You look up into my eyes
Right before I kiss you
I ache at the touch
Of your lips
They are so sweet but
I just want to pull away
So I can look into your
Radiant eyes and watch
Your tongue dart out in
Preparation for another
Kiss
Somehow that memory
Is always with me
Like it happened mere
Seconds ago
Though it was lifetimes
I can still feel the light
From your eyes

— GB

18 to 43

I was 18, like,
three years ago,
it felt like 43 was such a
long way away,
where did I go between
there and here, who did
I talk to, what did I
accomplish, who did I
love on that journey,
it seems like I remember
less and less,
more and more,
aren’t they all supposed
to be golden years, ones
you cherish for all time

— GB

I Know You But… ECT

I know you but
I do not recall
Anything
About you

The problem with ECT can be explained just like this.  It has been 15 months since my last treatment and I am still having memory problems.  I say “still” because I don’t know if these issues are supposed to go away or if they’re going to be permanent.  I can, for the most part, create new memories.  Sometimes, it takes repetition to imprint something on my mind.  For instance, the major city I live near, has a tricky street configuration.  I’ve been living here for a year and a half and I still don’t have it down.  There are a couple of places I go on a regular basis and I can make it there and back very easily, but if I try to go other places I get turned around very easily.  I don’t know if that is because of ECT or maybe some medication I’m taking.  If I have a list of things to do or to shop for, I always make notes if there are more than two items.  Other things happen, that I have mentioned before; I often times have problems choosing words when I am speaking.  I can’t come up with the proper word to express the thought I am trying to communicate.  Sometimes I can’t come up with the word I need to complete a sentence when I’m writing.  I have no idea what to attribute that to.  If I am reading aloud, I often stumble over words that appear to come in the wrong order.  I combat this by slowing down and reading like a kindergartener. Those are just a few things that I deal with on a regular basis.  Some, I know, are due to ECT.  Others are caused by a number of other things.  I may have come a long way since the break and I may be stronger now than I was even a year ago.  There are still good size cracks in my exterior.  I have to figure out a way to fill them and/or keep them from keeping me from making progress.