In My Absence

For the past 2 weeks I’ve been seriously engaged to an unhealthy case of bronchitis, not that there is really a healthy case of bronchitis, which has put my depressive side of Bipolar Disorder somewhat lower that it has been.  All I’ve done with any regularity is sleep, take meds and, well, cough.  I haven’t been writing much, I haven’t even been writing my usual 100 Words entries, march bit the dust half way through and I haven’t started on April yet.  It doesn’t look promising for that.

One thing I did manage to accomplish the completion of my yearmix 43 compilation CD.  Since age 30 I’ve been making a mix CD(s) based on songs that had some meaning to me during that year.  The songs are not necessarily new that year, they’re just songs from my life.  This year’s collection is as follows:

Superman(It’s Not Easy) – Five For Fighting
Almost Home – Mary Chapin Carpenter
Brian Wilson – Barenaked Ladies
If You Were A Stone – Ron Pope
Nightswimming – REM
Mrs. Potter’s Lullaby – Counting Crows
Stay – Sugarland
The Scientist – Coldplay
It’s Been A While – Incubus
Over My Head(Cable Car) – The Fray
When I Grow Up – Garbage
Power of Two – Indigo Girls
Who Says You Can’t Go Home (with Jennifer Nettles) – Bon Jovi
Rain Pours Down – emmet swimming
All Too Well – Taylor Swift

So the sickness didn’t put me at a total loss.
I saw my therapist for the first time in 3 weeks today.  It was a good, but somewhat short session, I guess I didn’t have a lot to talk about.  I also bought 3 books today:

“Veronica Decides to Die” by Paulo Coelho – I just finished reading “The Alchemist”
“The Bible, A Story of God and all of Us” by Roma Downey and Mark Burnett
“Proof of Life, A Neurosurgeon’s Journey into the Afterlife” by Eben Alexander, M.D.

I’ll place a solid bookmark in my “standby” book, a biography of Bruce Springsteen and get started on one of these.  It should be interesting, I’m stepping outside of my usual fare.  The last three books I read were:

“The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho
“Divergent” by Veronica Roth
“Madness: A Bipolar Life” by Marya Hornbacher

So, I need to get back to writing more.  I miss it.  It feels like there is something missing and I believe that is it.  I just need to think for a little while and let myself flow back into it.

Electric Daisy Carnival

The way you have been
The way we are
Wrapped up in
The sound that is coming
Out of those speakers
On either side of that
Massive stage

The wrapping gets
Tighter
and
Tighter

Until the much anticipated
Crescendo

Drops

One Hundred Thousand
Explode into
Each other

The moment obliterates
All abilities
Until the next moment
Overwhelms

We get wrapped up again

— GB

Breathe…

I’ve spent my day trying to find a song that adequately describes the days I’ve been having.  I have a lot of music and I’ve gone through Pop, Funk, Punk, Rock, Country, Metal, Reggae, Classical, Trance, Chill-Out, GOA, House, there are even more choices but that list could go on for a while.  I have the time but I wouldn’t want to bore anyone.  I guess my point is that I’m not coming up with anything and that is an oddity because I always have at least one song clattering around inside my head.  As scattered as my mind has been over the past week,  it’s no wonder I can’t get anything to stick.  Still, I feel the need to have some type of soundtrack going to accompany me on my journey.

I just had a pretty concrete thought.  For the past couple of years I haven’t been very good with uncertainty.  I like to know what’s happening and I like to have things I can count on.  My life doesn’t necessarily need to be routine, but I need to know that if something goes wrong I’ll be able to work the contingency plan I have in place.  Here’s the thought, my psych-doc is going on travel for the next five weeks and he’s a big part of my plan.  Now, I’m to the point that I only see him every three months so five weeks isn’t a big deal as far as routine treatment is concerned.  The problem is what happens if I should have a problem.  As much as I would like to avoid ECT, I have shown that I respond well to it.  It has pulled me out of psychotic episodes twice.  My doc is the only one for at least 120 miles that performs ECT treatments.

So, what I need to do is just live as I have learned to live;  take my medications, see my therapist, go to the NAMI Peer Support Meetings.  And remember to breathe…

Don’t force it, the song will come when it’s time.

door 521

one flight up and through
door 521 is the first real
home where I lived
alone, my life solitary,
not lonely, full of life,
full of music and light.

a place, where I learned
things, about life, about
love, about death and
mortality, about the
nature of being human,
about human nature,
I learned about how
to be a friend, and how
to deal with betrayal,

I learned about music,
about sex, I learned
to appreciate the sound
of freedom, even in
the middle of a migraine

I learned how to write,
how to get deep down
inside and express the
deepest and the darkest

I learned how to escape
into myself, I learned what
depression really is

But most of all, wrapping
all these things and more
together I learned
what it is to be me

— GB