my own truth

if I could only saw apart
this dream I have of you
I would be able to get at
the gooey sweet and sour
center that might explain
what happened to us

it cannot ever be taken back
it only hangs on in fragments
as I move forward
I never remember
the whole story
all at the same time

where is the secret
super-glue that can bind
my mind to the reality
that it will not see

the pieces of my past
are hurled at me,
I dodge and weave
wanting to know everything
but only accepting my own truth

— GB

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Moscow

As grand as you thought it was
Is as grand as it is
Everything is larger than life
To prove how mighty the Russians are
Take your breath away at every turn
Spires kiss the sky above dark bricks
Dubbed beautiful where Lenin slumbers
New brides and grooms pay respects
At the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier
At the GUM the latest fashions are
On display, this is a place of new
As well as old, the whole city is
A study of the future intersecting
With the world of the past

— GB

Amateur Philosophy # 2

I find great anger
within myself,
what am I to
do?

my anger
is of things
that occurred
in the past

I cannot do
anything about
the past
I shall release
the energy
I was spending
on that anger

my anger is
fear of things
that may occur
in the future

my life is
happening now
anger is self-indulgent
it feeds on
itself, I can
release my anger
now and my fear
can be released
as well

— GB

Getting Strong 2

In thinking about my recent post and HOW I was going to go about getting strong.  What came to mind over and over again was that I was going to have to get right with myself before I could gain any further strength.  The biggest part of that for me, is one of the biggest reasons I started this blog in the first place.  I need to come to terms with my past.  As I was exploring how to achieve that goal I came across this article.  Rather than put a link to it, I will include it in this post:

———————————————————————————————

Make Peace with Your Past: Find the Good and Embrace the Lessons
By Lanette Pottle

“It’s not the events of our lives that shape us but our beliefs as to what those events mean.” ~Tony Robbins

Daughter of an alcoholic. Welfare recipient. Teenage mother. Non-college attendee. Poor decision maker. Unhealthy relationship participant. Financial disaster. Evictee.
All of these statements described me. They also propelled me into action, transforming me into an over-achieving perfectionist. Yet they still weighed me down because I felt like I had to constantly prove I was better than my past—better than the circumstances from which I came.

It took a lot of effort.

It took a lot of energy.

It was a burden.

I gained a lot of knowledge, built a tremendous skill set, and developed expertise. I was successful on the outside but on the inside I felt like nothing more than a fraud.

I avoided events where the question of what college I attended may surface.

I avoided situations that would put me in the company of highly educated people for fear that their vocabulary would be beyond my understanding and I would appear stupid.

I avoided conversations about any topic that I did not feel a level of expertise in discussing.

I avoided talking about my past and my history.

Avoidance became a whole new skill set—one that I executed with a level of mastery. At some point I began to realize this game of charades was not in alignment with my core values of honesty and integrity.

I began to realize that the energy I was putting into creating a false image of myself was taking away my ability to live my life fully and openly.

I began to realize that in order to move forward I had to come to terms with my past, to extract the good, to carry forward the lessons learned, but to leave behind the all of the garbage I’d outgrown.

Good like…

The kindness and generosity shown by to me strangers, neighbors, family, and friends when I was in the greatest need. The people who cheered me on and believed in me when I did not believe in myself. The few who knew my biggest, darkest secrets and loved me anyway.

Lessons like…

Understanding that no matter how much you want something for someone else, the only person you have control over—that you can change—is yourself.

Accepting the fact that when you blame other people for what is wrong with your life, nothing is ever going to get better.

Realizing that no matter how bad a situation seems in the moment, someone else is surviving, sometimes even thriving, in much more difficult circumstances.

And also…

What you believe about yourself and your limitations will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And, it doesn’t matter how “successful” you seem on the outside if you are miserable on the inside.

When my perception shifted, so did my life. Today I embrace who I am—all of me—the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I am grateful for all of the experiences I’ve encountered.

I realize that I was judging myself far more harshly that anyone else ever could.

I let go of the belief that I had to hide from my past.

I let go of the belief of being “less than.”

I let go of the belief of not being worthy.

I no longer pretend.

I share openly, and in claiming my story it not only helps me, but also helps others on their journey. It gives them the courage to share their truth, to stop hiding and start living.

Recovering perfectionist. Student of life. Woman of strength. Overcomer of obstacles. Seeker of growth. Embracer of truth. These are the descriptors I’ve added to my life story. The rich and messy truth of my past makes possible the true success of my todays.

What beliefs are you clinging to that are holding you back? Where in your life are you feeling like a fraud? What are the tough and painful lessons that you can be grateful for today when you look through this new lens of perspective?

Reflect. Journal. Dig deep and find the answers. It’s in this process—in your truth—that you will find true happiness, success, and self-acceptance. It’s where healing begins. It’s where you will find peace.

Erasing or Blessing

Question:  To my fellow bloggers out there, how to you keep track of your blogs so that you avoid repeating yourself… at least word for word?

I ask because I came across a couple of writing prompts that had me going back in my mind trying to figure out if I had written about them.

“What do you wish you could erase from the past?”
“In life, what has been your biggest blessing in disguise?”

Both questions have the same answer.  Psychotic Break and preceding Manic/Mixed Episodes.  I believe I have already been over why I wish I could erase it from the past, several times.

That time in my life has also been my biggest blessing.  I know it sounds impossible that someone could go through all that and actually be thankful for it.  That’s the way I look at it the majority of the time.  The thing that has been the biggest blessing is the people that I have encountered on my journey.   Nurses, doctors, lab techs, counselors, therapists, members of support groups, bloggers, readers, with few exceptions, have all been incredibly helpful, very supportive and some of the friendliest people I have ever met.  Those people alone have been some of the biggest blessings.  I’ve also found blessings in the writing/blogging I have started to do again.  It was the greatest feeling in the world to publish a blog entry and have someone out there respond.  The support I get from the blogging community is a giant blessing.  There’s one last blessing I have to mention and that’s my family.  Having gone through the things I have and relying on them for the greatest support people can give each-other.  I have found honesty like I’ve never had before and those truths have made me more in touch with myself than I have ever been.  So, it is possible for something to have good and bad consequences all at the same time.  I guess I have known it for a while.  Putting it out there makes it real.  That feels pretty good.

What To Do Now

I lied about some things while I was having a manic episode which turned into a psychotic break.  Those lies pushed people out of my life.  People that I cared a great deal for.  There is noting I can do now that would bring them back.  I have to be sounding like a broken record now.  I’ve already talked about this, I should have gotten this behind me.  I should have moved on with my life.  They have moved on with theirs.  Without so much as a “goodbye” or “hope you get better”, not even “I never want to see or talk to you again”.  That would have hurt, but not as much as this has.  For the past month I have been going around and around, struggling with how to gain closure, how to give forgiveness…to them as well as to myself.  And I can see that I am not any closer now than I was then.  What do I have to do to get myself out of this ridiculous cycle I’m in?  What can I do to at least forgive myself.  I feel like, if I can do that, the other things will come sooner or later.  At least I won’t be beating myself up about it.  I know I have written, on numerous occasions, entries in this Blog that talk about how to do this (in one way or another).  Despite that I keep falling, I am failing to take my own advice, my own lesson, and put it to use.  I’m not sure what to do now.