What song

What song do I have to listen to
To get you out of my head
Your tastes were so varied
I hear you singing to
My entire collection
Was that another one of your tricks
To lull me into that
Soft, satisfied, security
So you could bring me down
Piece by piece
Without my ever noticing
What song were you singing
While you were playing
Your game on me

— GB

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a pin pops

once it pops it is gone for good
ideas float out and up and off
into the trees catching leaves
in the dappled sunlight, bouncing
off the branches that reach down
to grab the steady song coming
from the horses squeaking steadily
on the merry-go-round and round
and round the concepts go spinning
through the air looking for any
ear to hear the stunning sounds
that this one brings to life with just
a pin

— GB

Wasted Time

I heard this song last night as I was on my way back to the hotel last night after spending the whole day at my sister’s visiting with relatives and opening presents.  I was feeling really good, it had been a great day.  Then there was this song on the radio and it was as if everything stopped.

“So you live from day to day, and you dream about tomorrow, oh
And the hours go by like minutes and the shadows come to stay
So you take a little something to make them go away
And I could have done so many things, baby
If I could only stop my mind from wondrin’ what
I left behind and from worrying ’bout this wasted time”

I wasn’t sure what to think, I’m not sure now what I was thinking.  When I got to the hotel, I put my pajamas on, wrote a little about one of my gifts and got in bed.  I was staying as far away from that song and thoughts that it brought up as a could.  The TV was on, it was playing one of the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies but I just lay there, waiting for sleep.  It didn’t come very fast, so I played with my phone for a while…. I eventually fell asleep.

When I woke this morning I was in a better mood, but this song has been lingering with me for the whole day.  I wish there was some way I could get rid of it.  Maybe something will come up that will take its place.

Oh yeah, the song is “Wasted Time” by The Eagles

Potential

Sometimes I see things for their potential to the exclusion of everything else.  That gets in the way of what I should be doing.  A good example is my music collection.  It’s not terribly, about 700 or so CDs.  Many of these CDs were packed into boxes when I moved from Virginia Beach to San Diego.  Most of them had been ripped before the move so I didn’t exactly need them in San Diego.  So, they stayed packed away.  The made the move to Sacramento when they spent the time in my grandmother’s garage.  Once I moved to my parent’s house here in North Carolina, I had full access to them again.  They were taking up space, along with other stuff, in the garage here.  My mom or dad would occasionally ask me what I was going to do with them and I would usually answer “I don’t know”.  That had been a pretty standard answer for me.  I think it was part of the low grade and then deeper depression I was in.  The other thing that was a player here was that I saw in those boxes a potential.  The potential that all that music held for me.  Music is one of my triggers, both up and down, good and bad memories, and these boxes held the potential to cause that type of reaction.  I think I was afraid to do anything with those boxes of CDs because I was afraid to start really feeling something again.  What if it did something bad?  It wasn’t until I came out of a long depression last spring that I decided to get those CDs out and do something with them.  My dad and I built shelves in the garage and I got a CD cataloging program and I went to town.  I spent a couple of days entering the CDs into the database and the next month or so listening to a lot of those CDs.  I continue to listen a lot.  I’m happy to say that even the music that has the potential drop me into a hole doesn’t have that effect on me.  I’m definitely in a better place than I was even 6-8 months ago.

Another good, albeit, shorter example, is my new phone.  I’ve had it for a couple of weeks now and other than calling and checking e-mail, I’ve used it for little else.  That’s because the phone can do so many different things.  I’ve spent that last two weeks learning about all the things it can do, researching all the free applications for it, then loading and trying out those applications.  But I’ve only just tried things out, I haven’t really used them.  This electronic device is so much more than a phone.  It has the potential to be so much more for me.  I just want to get it set up as best I can before I actually using it to its full potential.  What’s worse is that I suspect I’m robbing myself of the experience of using it.  Every time I find something new, I go running to my mom or dad saying “Check this it, it can do this.”  I imagine they are probably getting tired of that.  Spending time optimizing something is not time spent enjoying the use of it.

These aren’t the only examples, but I won’t go on.  I suspect it is some form of OCD and I should probably research it a bit more.

Do any of you out there have a similar story?  I’d be interested in hearing about it.  Please comment here or leave me a message using the Reply Form in the upper right corner.

The Pretender

“I’m the voice inside your head
You refuse to hear
I’m the face that you have to face
Mirrored in your stare
I’m what’s left, I’m what’s right
I’m the enemy
I’m the hand that will take you down
Bring you to your knees”

I used to listen to this song over and over, again and again, when it first came out.  Then the radio station I listened to in San Diego, 91x, put it in heavy rotation.  After a while, this section had a hold over me.  It was one of those times that I was really identifying with the song and the person who wrote the song.  I figured that Dave Grohl must know something about what I’m going through.  Not that he knew me and knew what was going on in my life per se, more that he was writing lyrics that I could identify with.  So, I drove around in my car, with the radio tuned to 91x and a CD with “The Pretender” on it (and nothing else).  It became my anthem… if 37 year old white guys are allowed to have anthems.  When it all came crashing down in 2009 I stopped listening to it.  In fact, I stopped listening to everything.  I’m not sure why, but there wasn’t any place for music in my life then.  Maybe it was because there was already so much going on in my head that I couldn’t clear a space.  My theory is that since music plays a big role in my life, life events are tied to songs, that I didn’t want to tie memories from that time to music so I wouldn’t relive that time whenever I heard a particular song.  It wasn’t until I moved to Sacramento, that I started getting interested in music again.  I made my first mix CD since  2007 and “The Pretender” was the first song on it.  It holds a mixed bag of memories, but most of them are good.  Now, I’m back into music and I’m constantly trying to find meaning in songs.  But then, if you’ve been reading my blog you probably already knew that.

Excerpt above from “The Pretender” by Foo Fighters

Pencil Thin Mustache

You can hardly do better than to have a little Jimmy Buffett enter your life as you rise and start to go about your day.  This morning there was a silly little song, originally release in 1974.  I’ve loved it since I first heard it, probably in college.  Thanks to my good friend Greg for officially introducing me to Jimmy.  I had heard a few songs here and there but he gave me a crash course one evening when we were supposed to be studying for finals.  We holed up in his room and listened to all the Buffett he had, more than once.  Oh, and there was probably some beer or spiced rum involved as well.  Yep! College days……

“Pencil Thin Mustache”
by Jimmy Buffett

Now they make new movies in old black and white,
With happy endings, where nobody fights,
So if you find yourself in that nostalgic rage,
Honey, jump right up and show your age.

I wish I had a pencil-thin mustache,
the “Boston Blackie” kind, or a
two-toned Ricky Ricardo jacket,
and an autographed picture of Andy Divine.

Oh, I remember bein’ buck toothed and skinny
Writin’ fan letters to Sky’s niece Penny.
Oh, I wish I had a pencil-thin mustache,
then I could solve some mysteries too.
Oh it’s Bandstand, Disneyland, growin’ up fast,
Drinkin’ on a fake I.D.
And Rama of the jungle was everyone’s Bawana,
But only jazz musicians were smokin marijuana.
Yeah, I wish I had a pencil-thin mustache,
then I could solve some mysteries too.

But then it’s flat-top, dirty bop, copin’ a feel’
grubbin on the living room floor;
They send you off to college to try to gain
a little knowledge,
But all you want to do is learn how to score.
Yeah, but now I’m gettin’ old, don’t wear underwear,
I don’t go to church, and I don’t cut my hair;
But I can go to movies and see it all there,
Just the way that it use to be.

That’s why I wish I had a pencil-thin mustache
the “Boston Blackie” kind, or a
two-toned Ricky Ricardo jacket,
And an autographed picture of Andy Divine.

Oh, I could be anyone I wanted to be,
Maybe suave Eerol Flynn or the Sheik of Araby.
If I only had a pencil-thin mustache,
then I could do some cruising too.

Yeah, Brylcream, a little dab’ll do yah,
Oh, I could do some cruising too.

Cast Into Oblivion

I had a really fucked up night last night, sleep and no sleep, with tossing interspersed with turning.  The whole time I’m locked into a dream that I’m seeing clearly while I’m asleep and distantly when I’m awake (like a dream 🙂 ).  All the while I’m having a conversation with a girl I dated briefly in San Diego.  I keep repeating  “I’m sorry for the way I am, I never meant to be so cold”.  Words from this Crossfade song “Cold”.  All day long I’ve been trying to get this dream out of my head.  It was definitely not pleasurable.  I liked the song pretty well before last night but now that it has taken part in a mentally draining and disturbing dream, I’m done with it.  I’d prefer never hearing it again.  Hopefully this will cast it into oblivion.

“Cold”
by Crossfade

Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I’m always wrapped up in
Things I cannot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high

What I really meant to say
Is I’m sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold

To you I’m sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high

What I really meant to say
Is I’m sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold

I never meant to be so cold

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me there’s just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

What I really meant to say
Is I’m sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold